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in Focus on Finances

Understanding Financial Infidelity and Its Effect on Relationships

Infidelity and deception can take many forms in a relationship, including some that have nothing to do with romance at all. One example is financial infidelity, where deceptions are reported in nearly half of relationships where finances are combined.

Among people who have combined finances with a partner, 2 in 5 (43%) confessed to committing an act of financial deception in a current or past relationship, according to a survey conducted by the National Endowment for Financial Education (NEFE). What’s more, 85% of those who reported a financial deception acknowledged the indiscretion affected the relationship in some way.

“When you comingle finances in a relationship, you’re consenting to cooperation and transparency in your money management,” said Billy Hensley, Ph.D., president and CEO of NEFE. “Regardless of the severity of the act, financial deception can cause tremendous strain on couples – it leads to arguments, a breakdown of trust and, in some cases, separation or even divorce.”

Understanding Financial Infidelity

Financial infidelity is an act of deception by one partner in a relationship where finances are combined. Examples include hiding purchases, money or accounts, or lying about the amount of income earned and debt owed.

More than one-third (39%) of U.S. adults who have combined finances in a current or past relationship admitted to hiding a purchase, bank account, statement, bill or cash from their partner, and about 1 in 5 (21%) admitted to lying to a partner or spouse about finances, the amount of debt they owe or the amount of money they earn.

Reasons for Financial Deception

A lack of communication and conflicting life or financial values may often be the root causes of financial deception, but U.S. adults also revealed other reasons for deceit with money. More than one-third (38%) said even though they are in a committed relationship, they believe some aspects of their finances should remain private. Meanwhile, another 33% were embarrassed or fearful about their finances and didn’t want their partner to know.

Fear of disapproval by a partner is also a powerful force, regardless of whether financial discussions are happening in the relationship. For example, 34% of U.S. adults who admitted to financial deception in a relationship with combined finances said they feared disapproval by their partner given discussions of finances had already occurred while 27% feared disapproval by a partner in a relationship where discussions about finances had not yet occurred.

How Financial Deception Affects Couples

Like other forms of infidelity, financial cheating can wreak havoc on a relationship, including arguments, loss of trust, less privacy, separating combined finances and even divorce. However, those who have been there offered some insight into positive repercussions, too, such as growing closer together and learning to communicate proactively.

Signs of Financial Infidelity

You may discover your partner is cheating financially when you come across a receipt or piece of paper indicating a purchase you don’t recognize or find your partner defensive or withdrawn in conversations about money. A deceptive partner may attempt to intercept bills via mail or email before you see them or remove the itemization of purchases on bills.

Learn more and find the full poll on financial deception at nefe.org.

Coming Clean

How to recover from financial deception

Whether you’ve caught your partner cheating when it comes to money, or you’re the one in the spotlight after making some financial transgressions, there are some steps you can take together to rebuild trust.

1. Be realistic in your expectations. Understand successfully rebuilding trust will take time, sustained transparency and commitment to shared goals and increased communication.

2. Commit to open communication. While the conversations may be stressful, the key is to focus on understanding why the financial deception occurred and what you can do, together, moving forward.

“When 2 in 5 people admit to committing financial deception in a relationship where money is combined, it highlights the need for greater communication and a deeper understanding of who your partner is financially,” Hensley said.

3. Create goals and ground rules together. Finding areas of compromise can help you get on the path toward rebuilding trust. That might mean having separate personal accounts while maintaining a joint account for household expenses, or you might create separate accounts completely with each of you paying an equitable share of household expenses.

You could also establish guidelines you can both abide by, such as agreeing that neither will make a large purchase, such as items over $100, without discussing it together.

Photos courtesy of Getty Images

in Emotional Mastery

Emotional Safe Spaces Help Children Express Their Big Feelings

Many internet memes have been made about toddlers and their temper tantrums. While the outpouring of oversized emotions can be amusing when viewed from afar, most parents and caregivers simply want to know what they can do to help children express their feelings in less dramatic ways.

According to child development experts, one of the keys to helping children learn to regulate their emotions is to develop emotional literacy; the ability to identify feelings. This can help children learn to recognize those feelings and apply coping strategies to (hopefully) calm down before their feelings overwhelm them. One way to help children work on their emotional literacy is to talk about emotions other people feel.

“Sometimes it’s difficult to process our own emotions because that puts you in a vulnerable position,” said Taunya Banta from KinderCare’s Inclusion Services team. “When we’re able to find some detachment from the immediate emotion, like talking about characters in a story – ‘How do you think they feel?’ or ‘Why do you think they feel that way?’ – it opens an opportunity for kids to safely process their own emotions because they’re not in the spotlight.”

Another way to help children work through their emotions before becoming overwhelmed is doing what many early childhood teachers do and create a space filled with things that allow children to find emotional release in a safe way. If space allows, Banta recommends creating both a quiet area and an active area.

Quiet areas allow children to work through their emotions using fine motor or listening skills. Items in this space could include blankets or pillows to cuddle up in or headphones to listen to relaxing music or audiobooks. Some children may find comfort in expressing their feelings through art, so consider including some drawing materials or a journal. For young children, a set of pictures or cards showing faces expressing different emotions can help them as they learn to identify their own feelings.

Active areas provide children opportunities to use their gross motor skills to work through emotions. If outdoor space is easily accessible, encourage your children to go outside and jump, stomp or run when they start to feel the urge to “let it all out.” An indoor active space could include pillows to scream into or hit and plastic bottles or bubble wrap to stomp on or squeeze. The action and noise can help get out the desire to hit or punch. Watch how your children show their emotions and give them safe alternatives. For example, if they tend to yell and hit when they’re upset, give them pillows to scream into or hit. You can also help them designate a box or a specific spot on the wall or floor that they can throw beanbags, wadded up socks or any soft object at.

Acknowledge the emotions your children are experiencing and reassure them that while it’s fine to feel that way, it’s just as important they find a safe outlet for their emotions.

For more tips to help children identify and regulate their emotions, visit KinderCare.com.

in Emotional Mastery

Top Tools for Self-Care

The idea of self-care is thrown around a lot. But most of my clients look at me blankly when I mention the concept. Now, before you turn the page thinking you do not have time to take care of yourself, try this: Think of how you might respond if I told you this article was about how to help or take care of someone else in your life. You’d likely get your pen and paper out and get cracking, right? But when the focus is caring for you, there is likely more hesitancy and disinterest. Keep reading to save you time, money and stress when managing your divorce.
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in Minding Your Mindset

Author Barbara Huson’s Three-Pronged Process to Financial Success

When your father is the “R” in “H&R Block” and your (first) husband is a successful stock- broker, you aren’t waiting for the proverbial financial bottom to fall out from under you. Meet Barbara Huson whose story of resilience and success will help women everywhere want to dig in their heels, develop a healthy relation- ship with finances, and become the woman they’ve always dreamed of being.
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in Emotional Mastery

The Benefits of Traveling Alone, Mid-Divorce

WHILE TRAVELING WITH FRIENDS OR A ROMANTIC COMPANION CAN BE FUN, TRAVELING ALONE HAS UNIQUE ADVANTAGES, ESPECIALLY WHEN UNDERGOING LIFE- ALTERING EVENTS, LIKE A DIVORCE. WE ARE SURROUNDED BY NOISE AND DEMANDS AND GETTING AWAY ALONE ALLOWS US TO SEPARATE FROM OUR NOR- MAL ROUTINE AND FAMILIAR ENVIRONMENT, WHICH CAN OFTEN CLEAR OUR HEAD AND PROVIDE US WITH A FRESH PER- SPECTIVE. THERE ARE FIVE SIG- NIFICANT BENEFITS TO SETTING TIME ASIDE TO GET AWAY ALONE.

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in Survival Story

Greg Ellis: The Respondent

On March 5, 2015, Greg Ellis’ life changed forever. The actor, who portrayed Lieutenant Commander Groves in the Pirates of the Caribbean Franchise; Chief Engineer Olsen in J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek; had roles in “24;” “Hawaii Five-0;” and voice-over character portray- als too numerous to list; had met with fellow actor Andy Garcia earlier in the day.
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in Emotional Mastery

Working through the Anguish of Betrayaland Infidelity

Your life has suddenly been turned upside down and your stomach has been turned inside out. You most likely feel that you have no solid ground on which to stand. You may ques- tion all that you have believed about your past, present and future because it has changed overnight. You may feel like your relationship was all a total lie. You might wonder “who is this person I have been living with all of these years?”

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